**** Writer’s note: Since my vacation back home I have been trying to write more often, so there’s more likely to be more non-sequitur style posts in between real writing. This one was fun.
I’d like to talk a little bit about mayonnaise. And I’d like to start off by addressing those of you that like mayonnaise by saying that it’s ok to be wrong. Holding a wrong opinion is what makes living life a rich tapestry. If you’ll entertain my essay, I’d like to explain why.
Normally I’m a live and let live kind of guy, particularly when it comes to food preferences. I don’t understand anchovies on pizza, but who am I to judge? I once ate food off the floor at work. That being said: fuck mayonnaise. Its sole reason to exist is to make you fat. I can prove it. A lot of mayo lovers will say that they like the taste. That’s bullshit, because it doesn’t taste like anything. I bet you like the taste of skim milk too, weirdo. “Oh no, it actually tastes kind of salty” - oh yeah, you coward? Make it count, and use butter. Or - God forbid you feel something amounting to joy - use an actual condiment like mustard… and don’t you dare tell me you’re better than barbecue sauce.
“Oh but I actually don’t WANT the flavours of my sandwich to be overpowered”. Fantastic; here’s an avocado. Soft enough to spread, and it actually is healthy. Don’t give me that “it’s so expensive” nonsense, because you can’t put a price on heart health. If you’re doing it right, the other half of the fruit won’t go to waste by tomorrow - sprinkle a little lemon or lime juice on it and it won’t go brown.
FInally, to those of you calling it “food lube”, you can go straight to hell. You’re aren’t helping your cause, and you sound like a pervert.